Did you know the average American gains 5 pounds between Halloween and New Years. Being average is for losers! Follow these 5 tips to ensure that you’re above average. (Better yet, do the opposite and you may finish the holiday season at the same or lower weight.)
1. Wait for the perfect time to get the perfect workout: if fate meant for you to workout today then 2 things will happen – (1) the mood will strike you, and (2) you’ll have extra free time. Don’t tempt fate by showing up and doing the best you can with the energy you have. If you are feeling stressed or rushed, please don’t dissipate any of that stress with exercise. Don’t put effort into self care when it is difficult, and, instead, do what is easy today so you can feel even worse tomorrow.
2. Slash your tires: When you notice one mistake, then just say “screw it!” and give up. For example, if you have one cookie at work when you said you wouldn’t, then go get the tin of cookies and go to town (like Doja Cat said). Be sure to insult yourself while you’re eating these cookies. Include the greatest hits such as “you’re a loser!,” “you don’t have any self control!,” and “give up!”
3. Graze all day: eating frequently is a strategy that bodybuilders use to maximize off season weight gain, and it works just as well for non-bodybuilders during the holiday season. Don’t have any sort of limits (I think they’re called something like “meals”) and, instead, nibble non-stop. The worst thing you could do is skip a meal or eat lightly before a holiday party or dinner.
4. Always get seconds: at holidays we indulge in what scientists call hyper-palatable foods – combinations of sugar, fat and salt that light up our reward centers much like cocaine. These foods create strong desires to eat, and help us ignore how full we feel. Let your cravings run your life, and go back for thirds (2 plates is for people who eat like birds).
5. Don’t sleep: Sleep as little as you can. Less than 6 hours would be ideal. This will help fog your thinking, crush your motivation, and give you more time to eat. Lastly, sleep deprivation increases concentrations of the hormone grehlin which helps boost your appetite to the max.
I read this article to my youngest daughter and she said, “you’re being sarcastic.” To this I said, “I don’t even know what sarcasm is.” In a huff, she replied, “you’re being sarcastic about being sarcastic daddy!”
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